Digging Deeper
This Dvar Torah was written by Nina Gelman-Gans a trained TMI Mussar facilitator and a veteran Jewish educator. She is a proud Oberlin grad plus Brandeis University Master of Jewish Communal Service and Master of Management. As a passionate Mussar facilitator, she enjoys sculpting life-wisdom insights using a Mussar lens. Mussar is a practical and inspiring Jewish spiritual tradition that fosters a life of greater meaning and enhanced relationships. The Mussar Institute opens the pathway of Mussar to Jews of all denominations and affiliations, and to others who wish to explore these Jewish spiritual practices.
Photo by Kevin Quezada on Unsplash
Toldot (Bereisheet / Genesis 25:19-28:9) is the ultimate parsha when it comes to family dynamics, sibling rivalry, undercover arrangements, and the influence of the Divine shaping our destinies.
Let's focus on two scenarios that highlight calling out to the Divine and leaning into relationships in the here and now.
Isaac loved his wife, Rebekah. He was taken with her many qualities. Notably, she was exceptional in her birth family, knowing that she was not an easy fit with the tribe of Laban and his deceitful ways.
When Abraham's servant, Eliezer, arrives in Haran on his mission to find Isaac's bride, Rebekah's actions echo those of Abraham when he welcomed the three visitor angels in the heat of the desert. Although compromised and recovering from his adult bris [circumcision], he runs וַיָּ֤רׇץ to fetch bread and choice flour, a calf, and curds and milk. Despite his own discomfort, he extends radical hospitality.
Rebekah too runs, וַתָּ֥רׇץ [1] to take care of Eliezer's animals. She acts with the quality of zerizut / alacrity. Tapping into the quality of bitachon / trust, she intuitively recognizes that her prayers for a more meaningful existence have been answered. Seemingly, she has innate Abrahamic qualities of welcoming strangers and extending chesed / loving kindness.
Fast forward: Rebekah and Isaac marry and twenty years elapse while they endure their barren womb, with all the unknowns of expectation and possibly monthly disappointments. In all this time, Isaac does not follow standard practice and take additional wives in order to have progeny.
This is their issue to tackle together. They are at a watershed. No kids, no progeny, no future Jewish people. It is a b'chirah / choice point. They pray.
This ultimate prayer is a triangle of desire between Isaac, Rebekah, and the One Above. The Torah says that Isaac and Rebekah pray לְנֹ֣כַח [2] present and facing each other.
Isaac prays, "Master of the World, may all the children you grant me be from this righteous woman!”
Rebekah also prays, "May all the children you will one day grant me be from this righteous man." (Midrash Genesis Rabbah 63:5 [3]) They see each other with deep respect mixed with reverence and for Rebekah, perhaps also there is fear [4].
Twenty years have passed since Rebekah first saw Isaac, fell off her camel, and covered her eyes.
The midrash understands that as each one heals from the hardships of life journeys, they are now able to make eye contact and truly see each other. Face to face, eye to eye, they generate oxytocin [5], the love and cuddle hormone.
They are comforted and calmed as they connect and release to the power of the One Above.
The prayers work and Rebekah is finally pregnant! She is quite uncomfortable. She asks the other women and they confirm that she is having an unusually tough pregnancy.
According to Midrash, in passing a house of Torah, Jacob pushed to come to birth. Conversely, passing a pagan temple of worship, Esau pushed against the womb. Torah says the children struggled וַיִּתְרֹֽצְצ֤וּ in her womb.
Ibn Ezra points out that in the word וַיִּתְרֹֽצְצ֤וּ the tzade is doubled, representing the two children, Jacob and Esau, who alternately run and pull at Rebekah's womb.
In response Rebekah asks the question, “If so, why do I exist???”[6]
Rebekah has a b'chirah / choice point in facing her physical pain and mixed emotions.
She might be asking, "Why must I go through this?" or perhaps, "Did I really want this?" Ramban interprets her words as, "Why am I in the world?" or, "Would it be better if I had never come to exist?"
Then Rebekah inquires directly to Ado-nai, the One Above. Rashi comments that she wants to be told her outcome.
God reassures Rebekah that she is carrying two nations that are destined to fight each other, and somehow in the throes, she will find rest and quiet. Ramban connects to Psalms 34:5 that promises, "I turned דָּרַ֣שְׁתִּי to Ado-nai, who answered me וְעָנָ֑נִי, and saved me הִצִּילָֽנִי from all my terrors.
In these times, we might find ourselves asking the same painful questions about a life situation.
We may be torn with bechirah / choice points, wanting to do the right thing, and questioning WHY must we go through this heart-wrenching dilemma? What is the best outcome here? How do we honor the Divine image right there in front of us?
At this point, I ask one of my favorite questions, "What would Mussar tell us?"
We are in trying times. We are full of questions about what is right, who is right, and how- in all the uncertainty- we can best express our connections within the human family.
Can we be like Rebekah and Isaac, digging deep into that which most matters, to pray for each other, in earnest, with deep respect, putting aside differences?
Can we put the outcome, with emunah / faith, into the hands of the One Above and face the soul across from us with full eye contact, curiosity, empathy and perhaps even the benefit of doubt?
I pray that it may be so.
FOR FURTHER FOCUS:
- Identify a situation that involves a choice point in one of your relationships. Can you step back from the reactive element of disagreement and try to find peace again in mutual love?
- What tangible kabbalah/practice can you implement to instill more peace in the identified relationship?
- Which middot / qualities can you lean on to assist you when you face such choice points in your relationships?
FOOTNOTES
1. Genesis 24:20
2. Genesis 25:21
3. As cited in The Heart of Torah, Rabbi Shai Held, p. 52.
4. Haamek Davar [Rabbi Naftali Zvi Yehuda Berlin] posits that Rebekah, seeing Isaac from a distance engaged in prayer, experiences disconcerting fear and dread.
5. "The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness: A Procedure and Some Preliminary Finds,” Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. Study on eye contact and oxytocin by Arthur Aron.
6. Genesis 25:22
Shabbat Shalom
